I’m Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle

Who’s ready for another totally exciting blog entry by me! Well, I’m pretending that everybody is just psyched and that the demand is very high and that Jack in no way threatened my life to writing this entry. Just kidding! It wasn’t my life that was threatened, it was my Nintendo Wii. No one messes with my Nintendo products! No one! But there really is a lot to talk about, so let us begin.

Nadya Suleman’s “AngelinaJolieitis”
By now nearly everyone has heard about the mother of fourteen children, Nadya Suleman. If you haven’t, just turn on the television or pick up a US Weekly and you’ll find her. It’s just such a sad situation, as far as the kids are concerned. How they’re going to get the proper care and attention is beyond me. Plus, she’s been doing so many interviews that she has gigantic fake fingernails. How is scissor-hands supposed to even hold her eight new children without cutting them? More importantly, let us take a moment and talk about her face. Her face has a condition in which I will call “AngelinaJolieitis” and I’m not so sure anyone with that condition should be having even one child, let alone fourteen. It’s very clear that she has had plastic surgery, although no one is sure how she was able to afford it. Rumor has it that she hasn’t worked since her first litter of six kids. Also under investigation is the doctor that allowed this to happen, who might even face criminal charges for it. I’d personally like to know more about the doctor because I find it hard to believe that just any doctor would do something this extreme. To help pay for her children, she has been offered a one million dollar deal to do a porno, so things are definitely looking up for her.

Rethink it, Rihanna
Chris Brown has allegedly beaten singer Rihanna during their relationship forcing both Chris and Rihanna to seek help. Then, Rihanna went back to him. Need I even say more? There are so many things wrong with this that it’s disgusting. The worst part is that some people feel the need to defend Chris. I’m convinced these people are lacking functional brain cells. First of all, why would you go back to someone that had been abusing you? Second, why would you even want to? I do not understand their thought process behind this one at all. I’m totally for forgiveness and stuff, but it’s statistically proven that if the person has abused you once, they will almost surely do it again. Unless that’s what you’re into, I guess. Maybe they’re just very sick people, and we can’t even begin to comprehend what they like. Even so, the bruises were pretty bad so they need to take it down a notch at least.

Britney’s Live Microphone
Don’t you hate it when you just get done singing a song in front of a huge crowd of people and they forget to mute your microphone? Wait, so Britney was singing with a live microphone? Since when did this start happening again! Make sure the kids are in bed for this one! I’ll even somewhat sensor it, but it’s still pretty grotesque. After singing a song during one of her first Circus tour concerts, Britney, apparently not realizing that her microphone wasn’t muted yet, was clearly heard saying, and I quote, “Hey, my p***y is hanging out.” It almost sounds like the Britney Spears we all once knew and loved is back! But I don’t want to get my hopes up.

Okay, you can wake the kids back up now! We’re done! That’s all for this fantastic entry! I hope that I have enlightened you in ways that you never even though possible! Until next time, everyone! Happy early Saint Patricks day!

What? Is that all you got to say?

Hello, everybody!

I'm back from a frisky holiday season! I have quite a bit of celebrity news to cover, as well as introduce you to a new Iowan celebrity that appeared on Ellen Degeneres today! Whether you were tormenting your relatives to no mercy or whether your relatives were tormenting you to the point of breaking your New Years resolution to quit drinking, either way I hope your holidays were very fergalicious!

Celebrity News
Well... We already have two new, bouncing babies this year! Christina Aguilera is finally a mother! It seems like she's been pregnant almost forever. She named her new son Max Liron Bratman. I feel sorry for anyone with that last name. Nicole Richie has been not eating for two about nine months as well and gave birth to her new daughter, Harlow Winter Kate Madden. This may have been the only pregnancy known to man where the baby weighed more than the mother at birth...
Moving on, Jamie Spears, 16, is pregnant with her 18 year old boyfriend's kid. It's a beautiful story, they even met in church. Unfortunately, apparently with all the levees breaking in Louisiana, so did all the condoms.
Britney Spears is just plain insane! She was forced to go to the hospital as a "Special Needs Patient" after not handing over her sons to Kevin's bodyguards. She was to be on lock down for 72 hours, but managed to serve only a little more than 24 hours before being escorted out an underground tunnel to avoid all of the paparazzi. Apparently, when the cops were trying to extract her from her house she was screaming at them "I know who you are!" and "Get me my 'vitamins'". First of all, she better know who they are because they're in very distinct uniforms, okay? Are we clear? Second, I can't believe she thought to call her pills 'vitamins'. She might be more clever than any of us think! Well... okay maybe not. Not only is she insane, but she's also wearing panties! What does it all mean?! Well... It actually means nothing to anybody, but thanks to these stars for making 2008 a very exciting year already! We couldn't have asked for more even if we had ever wanted any... And really, we didn't want any.

My Iowan Celebrity: Fort Dodge Lady
Our blog is called Iowa's Asphalt, and as we travel around the world looking to enlighten every one's lives we also like to look for our own Iowan celebrities, Jack and myself excluded. Iowa is seemingly only known for it's caucuses once every four years, but since I'm not very political I need to reach for something a little lighter. I call my newest Iowan celebrity Fort Dodge Lady. The story is that she caught her son with an empty alcohol bottle on the floor of his car and is now selling it. The ad in the paper reads:

"OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage
son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to
get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the
planet."

I'm not sure if exactly selling the car was the right thing to do or not, but I do agree that a lot of parents now days do not punish their children, but more or less stand by their mistakes no matter how awful they are. At my job that I love so much, when a kid wants something and knows that all they have to do is kick and scream to get it, that's bad parenting. Especially when the first answer the child gets is "No" and then they proceed to the kicking and screaming stage where the parent gives in and gets it for them to shut them up. That is the parents basically rewarding that kind of behavior. Since when does the kid get to make decisions with their parents money every single time they go somewhere? And why didn't that work for me? Then again, maybe these kids are onto something!
Another thing I've seen is the child failing a test or a class and the parents call the school arguing with the teachers that they're wrong. No! That's not going to make your kid pass the class, so stop acting like they didn't deserve the F! I've actually seen these arguments happen with college kids and their parents, and it's just so very pathetic. I'm not a parent myself, so when it's this obvious to even me that's a pretty bad sign. So, Fort Dodge Lady, I must congratulate you for at least not defending your son's irresponsible actions, but I'm undecided on whether selling his car was the most appropriate way to handle the situation. Yeah, I said it! You're welcome!

You're Invited!
I have one last quick announcement before I let everyone get on with anticipating our next blog entry. We have decided to open Iowa's Asphalt to our readers even more by offering new services! Feel free to send in topics, new ideas, or even to sign up for our new mailing list so you never miss a single blog entry that we do! Just beam a message to iowasasphalt@live.com and maybe you'll see your requested topics or ideas being discussed by Jack or myself! After all, we're famous you know.

***Please feel free to email us at iowasasphalt@live.com with topics or ideas you'd like us to discuss, as well as to get on our mailing list so you're always up to date with the latest Jack and Kyzac have to report!***