So Everything’s Not Perfect. Doesn’t Matter Because I’ll Rework It!

Hi, Iowa’s Asphalt readers and guests who were misguided to this page! Let’s talk about finding professional jobs in Iowa, because it’s really hard. I’m not even looking IN Iowa for a job, and it’s still hard. I should probably move to Japan or something. I can’t wait to get my degree! I’m graduated, but I haven’t physically received it yet. It should be coming pretty soon, though. I’m anxious to see what a $55,000 piece of paper looks like. I’m also excited because I saw an old coworker of mine today that I hadn’t seen in ages! Let’s call her… “Fluffy”. All you need to know about her is that the gnomes that used to live in the cooler where we used to work now live on her roof. More important than reality, education, and roof gnomes, let’s get to our celebrity news!

Mel Gibson Gets Divorced
Mel and Robyn Gibson are calling it quits after twenty-eight years of marriage. Wow. Twenty-eight years is about the equivalent of six full-length marriages when it Hollywood is counting. Anyways, the divorce was filed under the common reason of irreconcilable differences. We’ve all heard that many times before, haven’t we? The most shocking part about this whole thing is that there was no prenuptial agreement or anything of that sort, as far as has been said. She’s entitled to half of what they own, which means she will be getting a check for about $500 million! One of the largest amounts in all of Hollywood divorce history! I think I could live off of that amount for about three lifetimes. Can you imagine your bank account having that many zeros behind a number? I mean, I’m used to zeros, don’t get me wrong, but with a number in front would be good for a change.

Lindsay Lohan Is Single Again
Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha Ronson have broken up after a year, which unlike the Mel Gibson story is pretty typical. We’ve been hearing about all of these fights supposedly going on and other crazy stuff like that, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before this would happen. They had been living together, and I’ve heard that the locks on Samantha’s house have already been changed. However, there is no restraining order or anything else freaky going on besides the lock thing. I really can’t form an opinion on this one. I’m actually quite speechless and neutral about it, because I quit caring for Lindsay after Freaky Friday and Samantha, well, always. Does anybody really actually care about these two anymore? They feel like dead news, and that’s exactly why I had to talk about it.

Octomom Trademarked
Some people just never know when to go away. However, I promised myself we’d leave Britney Spears out of this issue of my amazing blog, so I traded one crazy for another. Nadya Suleman, the one with 14 kids because that name is just so common, wants to trademark her name. Guess what she wants to use it for! Future television projects, as well as diapers, and children’s wear. Because when I have kids (which will be never if I can help it), I’ll totally want the Octomom brand which was founded out of disbelief that someone not working and living in a small, crowded could be having fourteen children. Totally someone I’d want to support, an irresponsible person. Actually, I could see this picking up steam out of pity for the children. You can’t help but to feel bad for them because of who their mother is and what she’s doing. By the way, she already wants more kids. Just so you know!

Alright! Another terrific blog brought to a close. And we didn’t even talk about Britney Spears. Almost feels like we’re missing something because of it. Be sure to drink your mineral water and fried chicken. Until next time, everybody!

I’m Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle

Who’s ready for another totally exciting blog entry by me! Well, I’m pretending that everybody is just psyched and that the demand is very high and that Jack in no way threatened my life to writing this entry. Just kidding! It wasn’t my life that was threatened, it was my Nintendo Wii. No one messes with my Nintendo products! No one! But there really is a lot to talk about, so let us begin.

Nadya Suleman’s “AngelinaJolieitis”
By now nearly everyone has heard about the mother of fourteen children, Nadya Suleman. If you haven’t, just turn on the television or pick up a US Weekly and you’ll find her. It’s just such a sad situation, as far as the kids are concerned. How they’re going to get the proper care and attention is beyond me. Plus, she’s been doing so many interviews that she has gigantic fake fingernails. How is scissor-hands supposed to even hold her eight new children without cutting them? More importantly, let us take a moment and talk about her face. Her face has a condition in which I will call “AngelinaJolieitis” and I’m not so sure anyone with that condition should be having even one child, let alone fourteen. It’s very clear that she has had plastic surgery, although no one is sure how she was able to afford it. Rumor has it that she hasn’t worked since her first litter of six kids. Also under investigation is the doctor that allowed this to happen, who might even face criminal charges for it. I’d personally like to know more about the doctor because I find it hard to believe that just any doctor would do something this extreme. To help pay for her children, she has been offered a one million dollar deal to do a porno, so things are definitely looking up for her.

Rethink it, Rihanna
Chris Brown has allegedly beaten singer Rihanna during their relationship forcing both Chris and Rihanna to seek help. Then, Rihanna went back to him. Need I even say more? There are so many things wrong with this that it’s disgusting. The worst part is that some people feel the need to defend Chris. I’m convinced these people are lacking functional brain cells. First of all, why would you go back to someone that had been abusing you? Second, why would you even want to? I do not understand their thought process behind this one at all. I’m totally for forgiveness and stuff, but it’s statistically proven that if the person has abused you once, they will almost surely do it again. Unless that’s what you’re into, I guess. Maybe they’re just very sick people, and we can’t even begin to comprehend what they like. Even so, the bruises were pretty bad so they need to take it down a notch at least.

Britney’s Live Microphone
Don’t you hate it when you just get done singing a song in front of a huge crowd of people and they forget to mute your microphone? Wait, so Britney was singing with a live microphone? Since when did this start happening again! Make sure the kids are in bed for this one! I’ll even somewhat sensor it, but it’s still pretty grotesque. After singing a song during one of her first Circus tour concerts, Britney, apparently not realizing that her microphone wasn’t muted yet, was clearly heard saying, and I quote, “Hey, my p***y is hanging out.” It almost sounds like the Britney Spears we all once knew and loved is back! But I don’t want to get my hopes up.

Okay, you can wake the kids back up now! We’re done! That’s all for this fantastic entry! I hope that I have enlightened you in ways that you never even though possible! Until next time, everyone! Happy early Saint Patricks day!