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Saturday, April 18, 2009

So Everything’s Not Perfect. Doesn’t Matter Because I’ll Rework It!

Hi, Iowa’s Asphalt readers and guests who were misguided to this page! Let’s talk about finding professional jobs in Iowa, because it’s really hard. I’m not even looking IN Iowa for a job, and it’s still hard. I should probably move to Japan or something. I can’t wait to get my degree! I’m graduated, but I haven’t physically received it yet. It should be coming pretty soon, though. I’m anxious to see what a $55,000 piece of paper looks like. I’m also excited because I saw an old coworker of mine today that I hadn’t seen in ages! Let’s call her… “Fluffy”. All you need to know about her is that the gnomes that used to live in the cooler where we used to work now live on her roof. More important than reality, education, and roof gnomes, let’s get to our celebrity news!

Mel Gibson Gets Divorced
Mel and Robyn Gibson are calling it quits after twenty-eight years of marriage. Wow. Twenty-eight years is about the equivalent of six full-length marriages when it Hollywood is counting. Anyways, the divorce was filed under the common reason of irreconcilable differences. We’ve all heard that many times before, haven’t we? The most shocking part about this whole thing is that there was no prenuptial agreement or anything of that sort, as far as has been said. She’s entitled to half of what they own, which means she will be getting a check for about $500 million! One of the largest amounts in all of Hollywood divorce history! I think I could live off of that amount for about three lifetimes. Can you imagine your bank account having that many zeros behind a number? I mean, I’m used to zeros, don’t get me wrong, but with a number in front would be good for a change.

Lindsay Lohan Is Single Again
Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha Ronson have broken up after a year, which unlike the Mel Gibson story is pretty typical. We’ve been hearing about all of these fights supposedly going on and other crazy stuff like that, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before this would happen. They had been living together, and I’ve heard that the locks on Samantha’s house have already been changed. However, there is no restraining order or anything else freaky going on besides the lock thing. I really can’t form an opinion on this one. I’m actually quite speechless and neutral about it, because I quit caring for Lindsay after Freaky Friday and Samantha, well, always. Does anybody really actually care about these two anymore? They feel like dead news, and that’s exactly why I had to talk about it.

Octomom Trademarked
Some people just never know when to go away. However, I promised myself we’d leave Britney Spears out of this issue of my amazing blog, so I traded one crazy for another. Nadya Suleman, the one with 14 kids because that name is just so common, wants to trademark her name. Guess what she wants to use it for! Future television projects, as well as diapers, and children’s wear. Because when I have kids (which will be never if I can help it), I’ll totally want the Octomom brand which was founded out of disbelief that someone not working and living in a small, crowded could be having fourteen children. Totally someone I’d want to support, an irresponsible person. Actually, I could see this picking up steam out of pity for the children. You can’t help but to feel bad for them because of who their mother is and what she’s doing. By the way, she already wants more kids. Just so you know!

Alright! Another terrific blog brought to a close. And we didn’t even talk about Britney Spears. Almost feels like we’re missing something because of it. Be sure to drink your mineral water and fried chicken. Until next time, everybody!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I’m Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle

Who’s ready for another totally exciting blog entry by me! Well, I’m pretending that everybody is just psyched and that the demand is very high and that Jack in no way threatened my life to writing this entry. Just kidding! It wasn’t my life that was threatened, it was my Nintendo Wii. No one messes with my Nintendo products! No one! But there really is a lot to talk about, so let us begin.

Nadya Suleman’s “AngelinaJolieitis”
By now nearly everyone has heard about the mother of fourteen children, Nadya Suleman. If you haven’t, just turn on the television or pick up a US Weekly and you’ll find her. It’s just such a sad situation, as far as the kids are concerned. How they’re going to get the proper care and attention is beyond me. Plus, she’s been doing so many interviews that she has gigantic fake fingernails. How is scissor-hands supposed to even hold her eight new children without cutting them? More importantly, let us take a moment and talk about her face. Her face has a condition in which I will call “AngelinaJolieitis” and I’m not so sure anyone with that condition should be having even one child, let alone fourteen. It’s very clear that she has had plastic surgery, although no one is sure how she was able to afford it. Rumor has it that she hasn’t worked since her first litter of six kids. Also under investigation is the doctor that allowed this to happen, who might even face criminal charges for it. I’d personally like to know more about the doctor because I find it hard to believe that just any doctor would do something this extreme. To help pay for her children, she has been offered a one million dollar deal to do a porno, so things are definitely looking up for her.

Rethink it, Rihanna
Chris Brown has allegedly beaten singer Rihanna during their relationship forcing both Chris and Rihanna to seek help. Then, Rihanna went back to him. Need I even say more? There are so many things wrong with this that it’s disgusting. The worst part is that some people feel the need to defend Chris. I’m convinced these people are lacking functional brain cells. First of all, why would you go back to someone that had been abusing you? Second, why would you even want to? I do not understand their thought process behind this one at all. I’m totally for forgiveness and stuff, but it’s statistically proven that if the person has abused you once, they will almost surely do it again. Unless that’s what you’re into, I guess. Maybe they’re just very sick people, and we can’t even begin to comprehend what they like. Even so, the bruises were pretty bad so they need to take it down a notch at least.

Britney’s Live Microphone
Don’t you hate it when you just get done singing a song in front of a huge crowd of people and they forget to mute your microphone? Wait, so Britney was singing with a live microphone? Since when did this start happening again! Make sure the kids are in bed for this one! I’ll even somewhat sensor it, but it’s still pretty grotesque. After singing a song during one of her first Circus tour concerts, Britney, apparently not realizing that her microphone wasn’t muted yet, was clearly heard saying, and I quote, “Hey, my p***y is hanging out.” It almost sounds like the Britney Spears we all once knew and loved is back! But I don’t want to get my hopes up.

Okay, you can wake the kids back up now! We’re done! That’s all for this fantastic entry! I hope that I have enlightened you in ways that you never even though possible! Until next time, everyone! Happy early Saint Patricks day!

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Do You Think It’s Possible For You To Read My Mind?

Hi everyone! I’m 22 today and feel old! I also ate at Subway today so that makes me feel skinny and food-deprived. Places like Subway are for healthy people. Now Subway owes Iowa’s Asphalt because I voluntarily plugged them. Except it was voluntarily so they don’t actually owe anything. Awe… I was so close! Anyways, onto the new news that I think is kind of funny!

Amy Winehouse’s Vacation 
So Amy Winehouse has now been on vacation for about three months. I really hope the staff gets a huge bonus once she leaves. I wonder how much it costs to stay at a resort for three months even. Anyways, apparently she has been harassing the help by groping them, trying to make out with them, and throwing up on occasion. So it sounds like she’s just doing terrific down there. She’s actually “saved” two people during her stay as well. I think one of them tried to drink a coconut which, if not at the correct ripeness, can be poisonous and another I think she gave mouth-to-mouth. I wouldn’t count her second act of bravery though, because she’s given plenty of people mouth-to-mouth while there it sounds like. She sounds like a five-year-old, who you take on vacation and never wants to go home because they’re having so much fun. Except she has enough money that… she doesn’t have to go home ever. I need some of that! Well, enjoy your stay! As for the staff, good luck with that natural disaster!

Spears’ Restraining Order
So remember when I told you about Britney’s father’s conservatorship becoming permanent because otherwise when she has full control over her life she marries backup dancers, has kids, and lets her managers drug her? No? You’re lying! Anyways, her father has filed a restraining order, again, with Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lufti, which in all fairness needs to be happening in her life. I don’t really believe that they’re very good people. I also don’t blame them for destroying her career though, because I don’t really think it’s possible to destroy a megastar in only a few years. She’s just too well-known and anything she does is going to make money somehow. But… restraining orders are good when the people involved used to drug and just use her.

Helpful Underwear 
Who knew that underwear could be even more helpful? Evangeline Lily has created a line to create Brazilian-made lingerie that she will be auctioning on eBay. Proceeds of her underwear will go towards helping children and teens living on the streets of Brazil. That last sentence kind of sounds really funny to me. What a kind thing to do, and especially in such a weird way! I really do think it’s great, though. I can’t even begin to imagine how awful it would be to have nowhere to go home to. Plus, this idea is so unique that I’m sure she will get quite a few bidders. It makes me happy when rich people aren’t greedy because money has a tendency to ruin people, so it’s comforting to know there are still nice ones out there.

That’s all I have for now! I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! As for me, I’m going to be a traitor to Iowa and go to Omaha tomorrow for a few days and beg people who I don’t know and didn’t ask for me in the first place to hire me. And maybe I’ll go to Warren Buffet’s house and make friends and ask if he’ll pay for my college.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Embracing a New Era...

As the world held its breath, the 44th President of the United States stumbled through his oath of office, clearly a bit nervous, yet aware of the task that lay before him and us.
President Obama spoke the words " I am humbled by the task before us..." reminding each of us that it does not matter what your grandest wishes are the reality of our world is has many obstacles to overcome.
He reminded us all of the potholes, the detours and road blocks ahead...he spoke of "..gathering clouds and raging storms..." as he refused to sugar-coat the work to be done. No fingers were pointed but you could hear the echo of a failed administration, a failed leadership as Obama spoke of those who refused to take the roads less traveled. He warned "...the ground has shifted beneath them..." and laid into the stone of his message that the questions of the how to move forward were "...not whether our government is too big or too small..but whether it works.."
He spoke to not just to our allies but to our enemies. He loudly sounded the charging bugle of determination as he stated " cannot outlast us and we will defeat you.." and expressed a truth many fail to realize in an entire life-time that "...your pple will judge you by what you build not what you destroy.."
Let us all Unite and Build an America that will continue to withstand...and whose flag will forever be in the shadows of the rockets red glare....reminding us all that today is EXACTLY what we make it......
ahhhhhhh the feel of a new road laid out before us...........

Warren's Prayer....

While the applause, or apparent lack of, for the introduction of Pastor Rick Warren was an obvious tense moment, I cannot help but to wonder in my minds eye when he said ...'when we fail to treat all people with the respect they deserve ...forgive us' if perhaps Pastor Warren was seeking forgiveness for himself for the disrespect he has given to his fellow brothers & sisters over the years. Did he perhaps have a revelation upon the extension of Obama's hand to be included in an event he was so clearly not welcomed into by the majority....
Perhaps it is a new day......
As he then cited the 23rd Psalm....and the familiar line of 'lead us not into temptation', I was again transported back to what it is Warren really stands for and couldn't help but wonder what the line really means to him.......
hey at least we all were saved in the rejoicement of Aretha singin'!! whoohooooo

A Somber Walk...

As each former President and First Ladies made the walk to the point of Front & Center it seemed that History was somehow knew its path and the ghosts of those days gone by were not so far away afterall.
Then the final walk was George W. himself, and the look of somber on his face, walking alone along a long corridor, to greet the daylight of a crowded mall....the applause upon his arrival was sparse, the feelings of uneasiness stretching across his face as he for he last time greeted the public as President......
I wonder if he now thinks of his legacy as the least respected, least liked Commander in Chief in our history....................

The Long Drive....

You can not just hear the excitement but FEEL it as the motorcade makes its way to the Capitol.
It certainly takes you back in time to other inaugurations, motorcades and people lining the streets to support their new Commander in Chief.
Whether you voted for them or not, you know they are now your president too, and the one thing America does well is STAND AS ONE :)
As you watch the long line of Escalades and GM bullet proof vessels make their way down the many streets lined with people, you realize these are not just people, these are AMERICANS, these are our brothers and sisters. Every walk of life represented today...there is no culture, religion, political belief, sexual orientation or disability not clearly represented on this auspicious occasion....
As we UNITE may we also embrace....

Passing of the Torch.....

Well here we you all knew I would not let today come and go without weighing in!! or at least sending out my two cents on the happenings of the last month leading up to this glorious moment in our history.
The day is unfolding into an energy we haven't seen since...well November 4th :)
While we watch and wait let's do a bit of reflection shall we.....
This past year was one filled with many life-altering changes for EVERY American. Regardless of the side of the road you stand, or if you wander somewhere in the middle, this past year affected you in ways you never thought possible.
Personally I find myself trying to imagine what it is that is going through the mind of Ann Coulter this morning... yep I said Ann know the most hatefilled, self-absorbed right winged bitch to ever be allowed to spew their filth across the air-waves.
You know her...she is the best-selling author a new book that literally blames all of the world's problems on SINGLE MOTHERS!!~ She rants and raves in her usual 'my opinion is gods' fashion while quoting supposed reliable statistics about the over crowding in our prisons is due to children being raised by SINGLE MOTHERS...she slams Obama by name claiming he only identified with his father and speaking ill of his mother...which all know is NOT TRUE!!~
But there we have it...on this 20th day of January 2009 a child raised by a SINGLE MOTHER and his grandparents taking the oath of the highest office in the land!
How can one woman preach such hate and point the finger at one group ....not only blaming single moms for over crowded jails, highschool drop out rates and poverty itself, but in the same breath demanding abortion become illegal??? huh?
well there ya have it...the woman is so set on hate she contradicts her own beliefs and still demands she is the only one right.
My only question to Miss Coulter (yes, that is MISS...who the hell could stand to marry her?) I wanna know just what SHE is going to do to change this? What is she, herself, going to do to help bring about the change she claims we need? or is she going to do what she always does...sit on the side lines, pointing the finger and insisting HATE is the only way to salvation? Will she continue to attempt to rally the world to vote all the single mothers off the island? exile and banish all LGBT ?? demand that everyone become a Christian or be persecuted? Or will Ann Coulter actually make an attempt to do something USEFUL for a change?* but hey we can dream can't we? hehe this may shock you all, but it needs to be said...
George W. Bush....a man I have never been fond of, a man that NEVER should have been allowed in politics let alone Commander in Chief...however....
Anyone that watched his final address to the Nation may have walked away miffed at his insistance he did nothing wrong during his presidency. He stood behind every decision he made, he embraced every screw up as merely a 'disappointment', but never a 'mistake'.
First....would an apology really matter to any of us anyway?
Second....did he not do EXACTLY what we expect of our President?
Seriously!!~ We put a man in office with intent that HE DO exactly what HE believes is in the best interest of the rest of us. We vote for the person we feel shares the majority of our beliefs or at least our key beliefs. We expect them to act without waivering, to stand behind their convictions and NOT crumble to poll pressures. We want a President that truly believes in his country, his purpose and himself. Well we got that man in George W.
He is a man that does NOT waiver, does NOT second guess himself and truly believes he had this countries best interest at heart.
He did exactly what we expect our presidents to do.
Oh sure we NEVER agreed with him, and he certainly screwed up our relationship with the rest of the world, allowed millions to lose their jobs as he gave incentives to send them overseas, didn't react to the imminent threats that brought our entire country to their feet on 09/11/2001, and yes he supported torture, the invasion of a country, all the while he held on to his personal investments in foreign oil, and yes he flew over New Orleans while continuing his vacation and yes he even stopped our research in its tracks putting us behind other countrys by years, then gave away our tax dollars when the banks of America sent Wall-Street into oblivion!
So as we send yet another man into office, hand over the reigns of our country yet we sit by and hope he does exactly what we wanted him to do.....let's all keep in perspective what that 'wish' truly is.
well I will be blogging all check back often....
as the day unfolds let's embrace the passing of the torch with a new hope, a new energy and a new AMERICA ......

though the road is always asphalt feels soooooo good under the tires......

Sunday, January 04, 2009

I’m Ready To Go Right Now!

Happy (late) holidays everyone! It’s 2009 and I have a degree just like a real smart person! Finally! Senior year of college is the opposite of senior year in high school, as it’s very intense. Now I have to find a job or something. Goodness! It’s been like… 11 months since I’ve gotten to write about things that we like to waste our time reading! Yay for the celebrity side of news!

John Travolta’s Son
Oh no! What a depressing way to start the year. At only the age of 16, actor John Travolta’s son, Jett, passed away over the new year holiday. A “caretaker” found his body in the bathroom. Upon initial inspection, it is believed that he fell and hit his head on the bathtub. Jett has a history of having seizures so right now they’re guessing that’s what made him fall. An autopsy is being planned for Monday, though, so hopefully they can find out what happened for certain and at least get some peace of mind that way. Losing a child has to be one of the absolute worst things to ever have to experience, and I can’t even imagine the grief they must be feeling. Jett is to be buried in Florida following his funeral services.

A Spears Wedding
Let me reassure you right now that it’s not what you think. This time it’s Britney’s oldest brother, Bryan, getting married. What a relief, right? The wedding was on New Years Eve. Brian Spears married Graciella Sanchez {Jamie Lynn’s manager (Jamie Lynn has a manager?)} in New Orleans and it sounds like all were present. Britney and her two sons, Jamie Lynn, her fiancĂ©, and her daughter, as well as the divorced parents Lynne and Jamie. There was no sign of a Kevin Federline in sight, so this means everything could only go well! It kind of makes me wonder what they were playing at the reception. Do they play some of Britney’s songs? Also, how crazy would it be to marry into that family? Graciella is now Britney’s sister-in-law. At least she waited a year for things to calm down, I suppose. That was smart! It sounds like she has been working with the family so she already knows what she’s getting herself into!

Playboy Problems
Who would have ever thought that the Girls Next Door would ever move out before Mr. Hefner died?! Not me! I would have assumed he was so old that these three blondes would be his last, but he finds a way to stay alive and gather more girlfriends every time. Girlfriends number 1 and 3, Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson, have officially moved out of the Playboy Mansion and have been replaced by twins! Apparently Bridget Marquardt still resides there, though. Not only has he found new girlfriends, but there are also rumors of financial problems on the horizon. With the internet, it’s easy to see how this is possible as I’m sure all magazine and newspaper companies are struggling. Having said that, do you think it’s possible that the girls were only with him for the money? Hm… Holly is now dating “magician” Cris Angel and Kendra is engaged to pro ballplayer Hank Baskett. When she gets married this June, Hugh will be walking her down the aisle and Holly and Bridget will be bridesmaids. I think it was funny that they tried to deny the rumors of a breakup at first, but that’s what happens when the stars want reality show ratings. I wonder what expenses Playboy could possibly cut? Bikini waxing? And what could they cut from their wardrobe expenses? The girls already wear so little! I don’t know how their clothes could get much smaller! And they definitely shouldn’t cut the pool cleaning funds… I don’t even want to know what goes on in the Grotto. It will be interesting to see what happens here as time goes on.

Well, it’s time to write resumes and find a job so I’ll be over here if anybody needs me or wants to hire me. That would just be fantastic! Bye for now!

Thursday, January 01, 2009

And So It Begins...

The bell tolls, the ball drops and the proverbial hands of time swiftly move forward into yet another year. While certainly full, 2008 came and went in what now seems a blink of an eye. Although a blink isn’t quite what it felt like most of the time!
January 1, 2008 no one could possibly have predicted the direction of the winds that would creep upon us and sometimes bluster through our doors…literally!

There was no way to know what the future might hold as we began the year with politics and the debates in New Hampshire. While Hillary was whining about her feelings being hurt there was no way to gauge how fast and how furious the political engines were firing. When the green flag dropped and the race was on no one would suspect that in January when the last lap is signaled we would end up in overtime! It didn’t matter your political affiliation or non-affiliations you couldn’t get through the day without being bombarded with the he said she said game of the century!
And as we all gathered to hear the final address of George W, to breathe a giant sigh of relief or was it loathing, perhaps it was just a sigh to signal our ever growing antipathy for the many things beyond our control, we certainly could not have foreseen the smoke upon the horizon as the battle for the highest office in our land veered out of control!
As the democrats finally united we barely got our footing and the republican ticket sparked its own multi-media frenzy! Certainly no one saw that one coming yet we were all very relieved to see it going and taking it with it all the blue-collar ‘joes’ and Nieman-Marcus apparel. Had it not been for the late-night comedy circuit we all would have certainly lost our minds! 2012 however is yet to be determined!

As with any year, it had its share of natural disasters. 2008 set the record for Tornado deaths in a single year and the majorities were actually in a single week! As it all began on Super Tuesday, it would seem all the hot air, back and forth rhetoric between politicians created a whirlwind of atmospheric proportions! 87 Tornadoes broke out over the course of two days, killing 57 people across 4 states.
March brought a tornado to downtown Atlanta Georgia pelting the CNN center and disrupting a basketball conference game at the Georgia Dome as sections of its roof were removed. It wasn’t over as April roared in and 3 tornadoes ripped through central and southern Virginia, by the 28th of May 110 people had died in the United States due to Tornadoes!
For us here in Iowa May 25th stands out as 7 died and dozens of lives shattered as our own Parkersburg was dismantled in a matter of minutes and June brought more heartache as a Boy Scout Camp was shredded killing 4. Tornadoes continued to pelt the United States long into November ending the year with a reported total of 1,489+ and 125 deaths!
Mother Nature wasn’t satisfied and continued to grasp our attention in multiple ways, and with much advance preparation this time it wasn’t the southern states bucketing out of their kitchens; it was the north! Our own Iowa was slammed and dunked for weeks! The University of Iowa saw its architectural history at risk, Cedar Rapids couldn’t function without a boat and numerous families saw their homes by rooftop only. Yet as Iowans do, neighbor reached out to neighbor and the clean up began.

As we all sought a little escape we engrossed ourselves in the Olympic Games and for a moment felt united once again. We cheered, encouraged and embraced our country into a symbol of strength and dominance once more; then the glorious ten days came to a close and reality was standing in wait at our back door.
More madness would follow as the ever shrinking American dollar set a new standard for low! The stock market didn’t just crash it collapsed, and as the dust settled the entire country was on its feet. Our attention was commanded and the jobs of millions lay on the line. A dangerous new trend was begun as our government, guided by the hand of George W., set a new precedent and began handing out billions of dollars to the CEO’s of bankrupt corporations who refused to take a cut in their multi-million dollar a year incomes! Henry Poulson, the man entrusted with our money, started buying up stock in insurance companies and banks without any oversight or so much as a bread crumb trail to track it!

Perhaps it was our fore-fathers slapping us all upside the head for screwing up their vision of a ‘perfect union’, or it was simply Mother Nature trying in one last desperate attempt to get our attention; whatever it was it was a year the Universe itself overturned and chaos ensued in every nook and cranny of the globe!
With all the turmoil and pandemonium a year can dish out one thing remained constant and that is our Freedom! America may have lost its standing in the world, our dollar may no longer be worth the paper it is printed on and yes, our many men and women in uniform continue to be harms way, but we still have our voice and in a year when nothing seemed to be going our way, there was a light upon the horizon after all.

On August 28th 1963 Martin Luther King Jr used his voice and told the world of his dream. A dream that one day a man would be judged by the content of his character and not the color of his skin.
On November 4th 2008 King’s dream was realized when a record 135 million people used their one voice. It was a day when one voice became many and a people who long felt unheard rose up and rang the bells of liberty and they were heard!

As we begin 2009 so shall we begin a new chapter in our lives and in our history~ may the long and winding road ahead bring you peace~