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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

There Go The Streetlights: The Night's Officially On!

Hi everybody and welcome to Iowa's Asphalt! Sorry I haven’t posted in quite some time everyone! I was hoping for twice a month but these last few weeks have not been so good. Between midterms and a mortally sick friend, I have not had much time to concentrate on my blogging. Why am I choosing to post right now? Because I’m procrastinating from homework, like any good college student would do!

Britney Spears On My Birthday
On my 21st birthday, Britney Spears went to the hospital. I figured one of us would have to go crazy enough to get admitted, and a lot of people were even betting on me! But our very own Britney Spears outdid me by a landslide! She was in the hospital first on another 5150 hold, which is the 72-hour one, but they then upped it to a 5250 hold which is one that can keep you there for up to 14 days. As has been the trend, she was released only three days into her 5250 hold. The good news is that her parents, until the 5250 hold would have been up on Valentine’s Day, are in charge of her finances and have encouraged her to stop hanging out with Middle-Easterners. Not saying they’re bad people, but Sami Lufti (her former Middle-Easterner manager) allegedly had been drugging her. She’s been seemingly normal every since she got out of the hospital, so hopefully this time she’s really going to get better. I don’t usually say nice things about anyone, so you should all pay attention when I actually do! It’s just really time that she gets better and stays better.

Jessica Simpson Banned From Texas
Dallas Cowboy fans want to ban Jessica Simpson from Texas, everybody! They’re saying that she’s bad luck to their football team and that she was the reason they lost in the play-offs. Really, Cowboy fans? I’m not superstitious in the least so I just think that is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard in my life! With so many Bush haters out there, I’m surprised they would want to ban Simpson before him, anyways! I love Bush, myself. He can always live in my garage if he ever gets banned from Texas. I don’t keep up with politics, though, so that’s not saying much.

Heidi Montag’s Not Breaking Out
Okay, everybody. Heidi Montag has a new music video out. Has everyone seen this disaster by now? What a train wreck! There’s a hilarious parody that I’d like to share with you if I may in regards to her music video from E!’s The Soup. Take a look.

Chelsea Handler, who is like my idol as far as comedy goes, also had some things to say about the video in which I thought I would share with you because it's too good not to! Here she is making fun of Heidi's rediculus music video on E!'s Chelsea Lately.

I’m so glad I found these clips because now I don’t have to say anything! They did for me! AND you got to see for yourself how awful the video was! It was a double jackpot!

Paula Abdul Does The Super Bowl
Paula Abdul was the halftime entertainment during last Sunday’s Super Bowl. Her performance was pre-taped under the disguise that they didn’t want another Janet Jackson incident to happen. I know the real reason! They didn’t want her horse tranquilizers to wear off in the middle of her performance and go crazy on all of her fans. Paula Abdul is not the person you come to when you want things to go off smoothly, as they had claimed. Can you imagine how many assistants she went through up until her actual performance? What a mess she is! Anyways, I really must say the song is awesome! For not being in the studio for about a decade, I think it's amazing and it also doesn't even sound like her! It was definitely my style and the performance wasn’t too bad as well. I just wonder how many takes they had to do before they got a useable one for the Super Bowl!

That’s all I really have to say as of right now! Hopefully my friend gets better soon so that I may put more time into the celebrity world again! It’s just a very scary situation right now that will unfortunately be happening for the rest of their life, but hopefully the disease goes into another recession and everything becomes better once again. Thanks for reading! And don’t forget to leave a comment because we get in trouble every time you don’t! Just think of it this way: Every time you don’t leave a comment, a dry cat gets sprayed with water.

***Please feel free to email us at with topics or ideas you'd like us to discuss, as well as to get on our mailing list so you're always up to date with the latest Jack and Kyzac have to report!***

Monday, January 28, 2008

The Final...FINALLY!!!

As we gear up for yet another groce display of our current President’s inability to complete a thought or a sentence we can’t help but rejoice in the fact it is his FINAL State of the Union Address!!
The word ‘FINAL’ rings loudly in my ears like the jack pot sirens on a slot machine…WOOHOOOO!
While the analysts have busied themselves today trying to decipher, predict and suggest what it is he might focus on, we can all be certain the entire undertone, or subliminal message if you will, of his speech will no doubt be a desperate, final attempt of projecting the Republican party into the light of a caring, concerned father figure, pledging to fix it all and make it better.
Well, I’m afraid Mr. President there is no band-aid big enough, or boo-boo kiss loving enough to fix the mess you have literally made of our country.
From crashing our economy into the abyss, leaving hundreds and thousands of children without healthcare, thousands of elderly with no heat, civil rights as much of an issue as its always been, the education system still lying in the dust of other countries and our men and women in uniform still in harms way in a far away country where the word ‘American’ is spat like a curse word on the playground of hell, you Mr. President certainly cannot do or say anything that would convince the people you had their best interests in mind.
George W, you are the uninvited guest that stayed too long! The party is over, the punch bowl is dry and it’s time for you to go! There is nothing left in the pockets of our society for you to steal, there is nothing left of our respect or our power.
You must go now Mr. President, while we still have our dignity!
It is hard for me to comprehend how this is the same country that sought to impeach a president for ‘bugging’ a hotel, sought to impeach a president for sexual favors in the Oval Office, yet have allowed you to lose Bin Laden, invade another country out of distraction, clear out our surplus and leave us further in debt than any President before you. This same country has allowed you to destroy our image world wide, to take us from powerful and mighty to lame and selfish.
You have been allowed to fail at levels most of us did not know existed, if ever there was REAL cause for impeachment it was you, George W.
You are an employee of this country and yet you continue to be paid for a job you refuse to do. You go bed every night with health insurance paid for by Us, you have food on your table every day paid for by Us, you have heat in your home every day paid for by Us and what have you given Us???
I say Good Bye and Good Riddance!!!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

A Repeat worth Repeating!!

In light of recent developments here in Iowa where a prejudice, narrow-minded calling themselves 'Everyday America' are trying to impeach Judge Hanson for over-turning a ruling that violated a select group of Iowans of their civil rights and liberties.
Same-sex marriage seems to linger on the minds of those who have, well, nothing better to do. From the 'protection of marriage act' to 'civil unions' this issue has just gotten beaten to death!
And it should...shouldn't it? I mean the extremely high divorce rate loudly proclaims just how important and sacred 'marriage' between a man and a woman is to everyone ..right?
And let's not forget the ground-breaking passage of 'don't ask, don't tell'. I mean, really...we DID legalize every gay person to remain SILENT did we not?
Don't ask, Don't tell = people don't like that your here, so stop telling them!
Civil Unions= you can ride the bus, but ONLY if you sit in the back
so what does 'marriage equality' mean?
hmmmm.... I suppose it would mean that 'couples' of all gender mixes would be treated ...I dunno...EQUAL!
meaning of course that they now have the right to 'equally' divorce, hey why not! it's rather popular afterall.
'equally' have health insurance provided by a spouses employer. Gee that would mean one less uninsured person in our state! IMAGINE THAT!
'equally' pay taxes. What? are you confused now? Well, married couples often fall into a higher tax bracket due to 'combined' incomes....hmmm and to think all this time those darn homosexuals were paying less taxes than you!!!
I imagine the self-centered, narrow-minded, bible-beating, control freaks heading up this campaign are no doubt connected to the very blood lines of those that initiated slavery, segregation, lynching, genocide, institutionalizing the disabled and prevented women from voting.
Just as all those things were WRONG, so is the legalization of ANY discrimination, in ANY form!
Slaves were freed
Schools were integrated
Blacks got the right to vote
People got the right to marry regardless of race
Women got the right to vote
Disabled people got a real life, real jobs and real futures
and while I could continue to list all the reasons Equality belongs to each of us, surely you get the idea by now.
so in conclusion I have revived a post I made previously as I feel it bares importance once again....
The Triangle or the Square
Labels, categories, slots, boxes, corners, identities, sex, gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, disability, political beliefs, blah blah blah!Our society is so hell bent on labels and categorizations that anything unable to fit perfectly in one place or the other cannot be dealt with.Some people are feminine but not female, some masculine but not male. Some have disabilities, but all have abilities. Some people believe in a god, some in many. Some stand for something, others fall for anything.For these people society can not find a place for them, a place they can neatly put them. A box they can hide them in, a corner to stuff them. Instead society takes their turn degrading them, oppressing them, raping them emotionally and mentally. They try to force them into place, like a child with a sorting toy, trying to cram the triangular piece into the square compartment. It’s similar to the square, but different.Our society has become so adamant and obsessed with sorting and segregating our society. From oranges to apples and people to genders they act as though without the power and ability to sort no one can function.Are we so ingrained with the expectations of what is thought normal that none of us can see past the package and hold what is inside? I dare dream NOT.Yet everyday reverberates with the headlines of the world. “Hate crime takes two lives”, “Boy left to die on fence post”, “Employees file sexual harassment suit”, “President seeks an amendment to ok discrimination”, “Stem cell research banned; no cures allowed”, and the list goes on. Whether it is the actual headline or a story between the lines, prejudice, racism, sexism, all of it, are alive and well here in the United States.We must take the insults, the hate, the non-understanding and reclaim it, make it our own and in doing so we remove the negativity, the hurt, the shame, the tears and the loneliness.We as a society have to stand up and reclaim ourselves, our world and our way of life. We need to resist the norm, and refuse to subscribe to the blatant separations and categorizations of our friends, lovers, neighbors, classmates, co-workers, sons, daughters, brothers and sisters. We need to stop the insanity of sorting human beings like they are no more than inanimate objects to be used and thrown away. We don’t need words to explain ourselves into someone else’s understanding. We need only be, be who we are, express ourselves and just be.With living comes understanding, with love and compassion comes acceptance. The dictionary cannot tell you who I am. The almighty Webster cannot even begin to recite where I have been, where I am going, and all the reasons why. Words alone cannot describe a persons self.When asked if you are heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, transsexual, trisexual, or republican, democrat, independent, white, black, Hispanic, Indian, Jewish, Christian, pagan, Muslim, or disabled, handicapped, handi-capable, able, limited, challenged, male or female how about just loudly proclaim “I am me”!I am a member of the human race. I owe no one anything. I do not have to explain myself to anyone. I am here, you are there, we both breath, we both dream, we both aspire to do and be great things. We are the same, but different. We are the triangle and the square.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

What? Is that all you got to say?

Hello, everybody!

I'm back from a frisky holiday season! I have quite a bit of celebrity news to cover, as well as introduce you to a new Iowan celebrity that appeared on Ellen Degeneres today! Whether you were tormenting your relatives to no mercy or whether your relatives were tormenting you to the point of breaking your New Years resolution to quit drinking, either way I hope your holidays were very fergalicious!

Celebrity News
Well... We already have two new, bouncing babies this year! Christina Aguilera is finally a mother! It seems like she's been pregnant almost forever. She named her new son Max Liron Bratman. I feel sorry for anyone with that last name. Nicole Richie has been not eating for two about nine months as well and gave birth to her new daughter, Harlow Winter Kate Madden. This may have been the only pregnancy known to man where the baby weighed more than the mother at birth...
Moving on, Jamie Spears, 16, is pregnant with her 18 year old boyfriend's kid. It's a beautiful story, they even met in church. Unfortunately, apparently with all the levees breaking in Louisiana, so did all the condoms.
Britney Spears is just plain insane! She was forced to go to the hospital as a "Special Needs Patient" after not handing over her sons to Kevin's bodyguards. She was to be on lock down for 72 hours, but managed to serve only a little more than 24 hours before being escorted out an underground tunnel to avoid all of the paparazzi. Apparently, when the cops were trying to extract her from her house she was screaming at them "I know who you are!" and "Get me my 'vitamins'". First of all, she better know who they are because they're in very distinct uniforms, okay? Are we clear? Second, I can't believe she thought to call her pills 'vitamins'. She might be more clever than any of us think! Well... okay maybe not. Not only is she insane, but she's also wearing panties! What does it all mean?! Well... It actually means nothing to anybody, but thanks to these stars for making 2008 a very exciting year already! We couldn't have asked for more even if we had ever wanted any... And really, we didn't want any.

My Iowan Celebrity: Fort Dodge Lady
Our blog is called Iowa's Asphalt, and as we travel around the world looking to enlighten every one's lives we also like to look for our own Iowan celebrities, Jack and myself excluded. Iowa is seemingly only known for it's caucuses once every four years, but since I'm not very political I need to reach for something a little lighter. I call my newest Iowan celebrity Fort Dodge Lady. The story is that she caught her son with an empty alcohol bottle on the floor of his car and is now selling it. The ad in the paper reads:

"OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage
son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to
get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the

I'm not sure if exactly selling the car was the right thing to do or not, but I do agree that a lot of parents now days do not punish their children, but more or less stand by their mistakes no matter how awful they are. At my job that I love so much, when a kid wants something and knows that all they have to do is kick and scream to get it, that's bad parenting. Especially when the first answer the child gets is "No" and then they proceed to the kicking and screaming stage where the parent gives in and gets it for them to shut them up. That is the parents basically rewarding that kind of behavior. Since when does the kid get to make decisions with their parents money every single time they go somewhere? And why didn't that work for me? Then again, maybe these kids are onto something!
Another thing I've seen is the child failing a test or a class and the parents call the school arguing with the teachers that they're wrong. No! That's not going to make your kid pass the class, so stop acting like they didn't deserve the F! I've actually seen these arguments happen with college kids and their parents, and it's just so very pathetic. I'm not a parent myself, so when it's this obvious to even me that's a pretty bad sign. So, Fort Dodge Lady, I must congratulate you for at least not defending your son's irresponsible actions, but I'm undecided on whether selling his car was the most appropriate way to handle the situation. Yeah, I said it! You're welcome!

You're Invited!
I have one last quick announcement before I let everyone get on with anticipating our next blog entry. We have decided to open Iowa's Asphalt to our readers even more by offering new services! Feel free to send in topics, new ideas, or even to sign up for our new mailing list so you never miss a single blog entry that we do! Just beam a message to and maybe you'll see your requested topics or ideas being discussed by Jack or myself! After all, we're famous you know.

***Please feel free to email us at with topics or ideas you'd like us to discuss, as well as to get on our mailing list so you're always up to date with the latest Jack and Kyzac have to report!***

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Experience = Change??

“That Hurts My Feelings” was the quote of the day during the back to back debates in New Hampshire Senator Clinton desperately groped for laughs while expressing her upset over voters ‘liking’ Obama more than her.
Well first of all Obama offers much more to like!
Clinton was constantly on the defensive over the issue of ‘change’, claiming she is all about change and has been doing it for years, but one must ask themselves does experience really equal ‘change’?
How can the American people be sure her 35 years of ‘experience’ won’t merely add up to one very long record of favors now owed?
She’s been all about special interests groups and PAC’s, they are the backbone of her campaign funding as well as trolls of earmarks during her term as Senator, and so where on her list of ‘things to do’ will the people of this great nation fall? When and where will these mongrels come, calling in favors and funds?
Many, but mostly Clinton herself, are complaining that Obama lacks experience but doesn’t that also mean he lacks the puppet strings that are no doubt attached to her purse pockets??
Obama speaks to a crowd very much like JFK himself, he enthralls his audiences, grasps their attention and leads them down a smooth worded journey of Hope. He points out the faults of our country, and unlike many others he offers up a solution to fix it and most importantly he invites the American people to assist him. He invites them into his circle, his plans, his America, reminding them this country BELONGS to them.
Do you really need ‘experience’ to have a good idea? Does it really take experience to move forward? George W himself was a governor and had many more years experience than Obama and it certainly did not lead this country forward.
When you sit back and think of the qualities you want in a president, in a commander in chief do you want a politician or a person?
Sure, the Clinton years were great years for our country, not so much for the Clinton’s marriage., but our economy was strong, no one was bombing us, and the price of gas wasn’t bankrupting the blue collar worker. That was another time, different era. Do we really think the map of Bill Clinton will fix the mess created by George W?
Will the leaders of our once ally countries lend an ear to a woman with no personality? If the American people can’t stand to listen to her, how can we possibly expect the leaders of Iraq and Afghanistan to take her seriously?Crossing the line of race, gender, economic status, political affiliation and generation is Barack Obama. If this man can reach the ears of those on the other side of the divide, then perhaps this is the man we need to extend a hand to our third world nemeses, and if that ‘hurts’ Hillary’s feelings she needs to go back to the kitchen!