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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

What? Is that all you got to say?

Hello, everybody!

I'm back from a frisky holiday season! I have quite a bit of celebrity news to cover, as well as introduce you to a new Iowan celebrity that appeared on Ellen Degeneres today! Whether you were tormenting your relatives to no mercy or whether your relatives were tormenting you to the point of breaking your New Years resolution to quit drinking, either way I hope your holidays were very fergalicious!

Celebrity News
Well... We already have two new, bouncing babies this year! Christina Aguilera is finally a mother! It seems like she's been pregnant almost forever. She named her new son Max Liron Bratman. I feel sorry for anyone with that last name. Nicole Richie has been not eating for two about nine months as well and gave birth to her new daughter, Harlow Winter Kate Madden. This may have been the only pregnancy known to man where the baby weighed more than the mother at birth...
Moving on, Jamie Spears, 16, is pregnant with her 18 year old boyfriend's kid. It's a beautiful story, they even met in church. Unfortunately, apparently with all the levees breaking in Louisiana, so did all the condoms.
Britney Spears is just plain insane! She was forced to go to the hospital as a "Special Needs Patient" after not handing over her sons to Kevin's bodyguards. She was to be on lock down for 72 hours, but managed to serve only a little more than 24 hours before being escorted out an underground tunnel to avoid all of the paparazzi. Apparently, when the cops were trying to extract her from her house she was screaming at them "I know who you are!" and "Get me my 'vitamins'". First of all, she better know who they are because they're in very distinct uniforms, okay? Are we clear? Second, I can't believe she thought to call her pills 'vitamins'. She might be more clever than any of us think! Well... okay maybe not. Not only is she insane, but she's also wearing panties! What does it all mean?! Well... It actually means nothing to anybody, but thanks to these stars for making 2008 a very exciting year already! We couldn't have asked for more even if we had ever wanted any... And really, we didn't want any.

My Iowan Celebrity: Fort Dodge Lady
Our blog is called Iowa's Asphalt, and as we travel around the world looking to enlighten every one's lives we also like to look for our own Iowan celebrities, Jack and myself excluded. Iowa is seemingly only known for it's caucuses once every four years, but since I'm not very political I need to reach for something a little lighter. I call my newest Iowan celebrity Fort Dodge Lady. The story is that she caught her son with an empty alcohol bottle on the floor of his car and is now selling it. The ad in the paper reads:

"OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage
son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to
get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the

I'm not sure if exactly selling the car was the right thing to do or not, but I do agree that a lot of parents now days do not punish their children, but more or less stand by their mistakes no matter how awful they are. At my job that I love so much, when a kid wants something and knows that all they have to do is kick and scream to get it, that's bad parenting. Especially when the first answer the child gets is "No" and then they proceed to the kicking and screaming stage where the parent gives in and gets it for them to shut them up. That is the parents basically rewarding that kind of behavior. Since when does the kid get to make decisions with their parents money every single time they go somewhere? And why didn't that work for me? Then again, maybe these kids are onto something!
Another thing I've seen is the child failing a test or a class and the parents call the school arguing with the teachers that they're wrong. No! That's not going to make your kid pass the class, so stop acting like they didn't deserve the F! I've actually seen these arguments happen with college kids and their parents, and it's just so very pathetic. I'm not a parent myself, so when it's this obvious to even me that's a pretty bad sign. So, Fort Dodge Lady, I must congratulate you for at least not defending your son's irresponsible actions, but I'm undecided on whether selling his car was the most appropriate way to handle the situation. Yeah, I said it! You're welcome!

You're Invited!
I have one last quick announcement before I let everyone get on with anticipating our next blog entry. We have decided to open Iowa's Asphalt to our readers even more by offering new services! Feel free to send in topics, new ideas, or even to sign up for our new mailing list so you never miss a single blog entry that we do! Just beam a message to and maybe you'll see your requested topics or ideas being discussed by Jack or myself! After all, we're famous you know.

***Please feel free to email us at with topics or ideas you'd like us to discuss, as well as to get on our mailing list so you're always up to date with the latest Jack and Kyzac have to report!***

1 comment:

Jack said...

thank you so much for bringing that to America's attention, I am relieved to see I am not the only one who was concerned about Britney wearing panties!! *does this mean she has 'shaved' the other end? or perhaps she has converted to one of those cults where covering your head is required..and we all know this would confuse her*
I LOVE Ft. Dodge lady and she is my new hero! For those that don't know, she is also the awesome second half of the Ft. Dodge Radio's Morning Mix Chics! Check em out KKEZ 94.5 :)
woohooooo off to a great trip down the road of 2008!